omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
