Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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