My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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