Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
