Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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