tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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