great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
