seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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