Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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