do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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