i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
