You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
