The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
