why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
