My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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