Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
