i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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