It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
3 2 1 whiskey
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
