Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
