There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
