My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
