Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
