Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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