Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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