he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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