Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she looked like the before picture.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
