Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
