Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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