then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
