I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
