I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
