let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
