if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
