I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
