i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
