i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
operation harelip BJ is a go
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
