i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
