I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
