you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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