bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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