I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
