he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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