Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
