He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
True strength comes from lack of pants
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
