Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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