I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
