Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
