the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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