I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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