Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
