She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
