you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize