Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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