Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
