He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
