Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
