I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
